


The Office (Good Omens style)

by tenandi



Category: Good Omens (TV), Good Omens - Neil Gaiman & Terry Pratchett, The Office (US)
Genre: Adam is the temp, Beelzebub is Jan, Crackfic!, Crowley and Aziraphale are Jim and Pam, Gabriel is Michael Scott, Lucifer is Roy, Michael is Angela, Neil Gaiman is the producer lol, Newt is Oscar
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-08-24
Updated: 2019-08-24
Packaged: 2020-10-01 19:20:41
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,302
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20378026
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/tenandi/pseuds/tenandi
Summary: It's the first day of filming at the office where Gabriel oversees the indulgences department in Heaven. A camera crew follows the day's events and get to know some of the staff. In the background, an ambiguous office romance ensues.(You don't have to watch The Office to enjoy, but it will help you appreciate the irony of how well these characters fit their derivative roles).





	The Office (Good Omens style)

“Alright Crowley, your quarterlies look very good,” Gabriel said. “How are things going with the Catholic church? Renewed any indulgences lately?”

Crowley looked at his shoes. “Actually we’ve had a little trouble regaining interest. That was kind of a medieval trend. We might want to try-”

“So you’ve come to the master,” Gabriel breathed. A smug smile drew tightly over his lips. Crowley grimaced. “Let me show you how it’s done,” the brunette continued.

Gabriel picked up the phone and nodded at Crowley while it rang, a barely contained smirk on his face.

“Vatican,” a woman’s voice came over the line. “This is Maria. How can I help you?”

“How do you solve a problem like Mariaaaa,” Gabriel sang. There was a long pause. “Just kidding. This is Archangel Gabriel. I’m sure you’ve heard of me. Just calling down from a little place called Heaven. I understand there’s been some confusion about our most recent offer. I suppose I should have reached out directly, but a subordinate kind of ran with the pitch and well...I’d hate to see our deal go South on his account.”

Crowley rolled his eyes. ‘South’ was an inside joke referring to the underworld.

“Ah, um...Gabriel was it?” Maria replied. “I understand your eagerness and assure you that the Pope has been informed of the special this month, it’s just that we’re sort of moving in a new direction. Instead of asking people to pay, quite literally, for their sins, we’re pushing a new idea that we like to call ‘being good for goodness sake.”

“Aha,” Gabriel said dully. “So people are just supposed to do the right thing with no guarantee of reward or punishment? Call me old-fashioned, but that sounds a little risky.”

“Yes, I’m hearing your concerns,” Maria empathized. “Listen, I will pass your contact info onto his Holiness directly. I’m sure something can be worked out. Our partnership has always been a fruitful one.”

“Indeed,” Gabriel countered, the smirk returning to his face. “So good talking to you, Maria.”

Crowley shifted in his seat as Gabriel flashed his eyebrows at him.

“Have a wonderful day,” the woman said cheerfully. “And bless you.”

“No, no, bless you!” Gabriel countered forcefully. He hung up the phone and stared expectantly at Crowley. “And that,” he drawled, “Is how it’s done.”

-  
The cameramen signaled that they were cutting and Crowley stood to leave.

“I hope you’ve learned something valuable today,” Gabriel went on, tucking his hands behind his head and stretching his back.

“Oh, absolutely I have,” the redhead lied. He ducked awkwardly around the crew and exited Gabe’s office.

Neil, the producer, approached the Archangel from the side. “Can we get some footage of you introducing your team?” he asked. “Kind of warm us up to this unique environment?”

“Sure!” Gabriel supplied cheerfully. “We can start over here.” Gabe led them to a branded sign outside of his office and the cameramen followed.

“Ready when you are,” Neil said.

Gabriel displayed his hands in front of the sign, a capital H with two wings spreading out from either side. “So I’ve been an Archangel for the last...well, since time immemorial and more particularly, with Heaven’s indulgences branch since She created the ineffable plan. I’d try to explain the time lapse but it would make no sense to mortals such as yourselves.”

The crew blinked and Gabriel chuckled, indicating toward the connecting office space. “This is my kingdom, if you will,” he said smugly. “We operate through a network of offices but the heart of the operation starts right here in reception. This is Aziraphale.”

A shy blonde looked up from the desk where he was managing several calls at once. He cringed when Gabriel pressed down on the receiver, severing the line in the middle of what appeared to be an important conversation. The blonde looked resigned as if this was a frequent occurrence.

“Aziraphale is a Principality,” Gabriel explained to the cameras. “Basically a lower-tier angel fit to manage minor correspondences with the earthly realm. But they keep him busy!”

The blonde’s nose twitched in annoyance.

“Any messages for me, Azzy?” Gabriel asked with a false smile.

“Just a fax,” Aziraphale replied dryly. He handed a sheet of paper to the Archangel.

Gabriel examined it with interest. “From the Metatron?” he stated with surprise. “How many times have I told you there’s a special filing cabinet for memos from Head Office?”

The Principality looked confused as Gabriel bunched up the paper in his hands and tossed it into a wastebasket, laughing maniacally.

“Ohhh man,” Gabriel chuckled as Aziraphale knit his brows in concern. “I love doing that to him.”

Gabe moved off and stood a few feet from the desk while the Principality struggled to answer the endlessly ringing phone. “Angels around here say that I’m the best boss,” the Archangel confided, his hands on his hips. “I can’t tell you how many times I’ve caught them praying to Her, thanking Her for my presence. I overhear them saying things all the time like ‘Oh God! I can’t believe I work in a place like this!’ It’s so humbling.”

One of the cameramen stayed with Gabriel, who was showing off a mug that said ‘Heaven’s Best Boss,’ while another moved to film the other staff at work.

The redhead from earlier was sitting nearby next to his deskmate, Hastur. Currently Hastur, an unkempt blonde in an ill-fitting suit, was humming an obnoxious rendition of Do-Re-Mi, from Gabriel’s favored soundtrack that often blasted out of his office six times a day.

Crowley spun left and right in his chair while looking at the camera meaningfully. “Help me,” he mouthed.

The cameraman obliged, pulling Crowley away for a quick interview.

“Uhhh,” the redhead stuttered. “I guess what I do here is speak to clients about uhhh...quantities and types of indulgences. How they can err...trade in a few years of purgatory for a sacred art commission, or dedicate a church. It’s all uh...very very interesting. Not boring at all.” He fisted his hands in his hair and stared despondently out the window.

Twenty minutes later, the office was disrupted by the appearance of Gabriel’s supervisor Beelzebub. She rarely made appearances on the seventh floor, having accorded much higher offices (literally and figuratively) just under the Metatron.

Gabriel practically apparated out front to greet her, fawning over her most recent haircut (it was the same as always, a blunt black bob) and looking generally terrified. Once secured in his office, Bee asked if he wanted to add anything to the meeting’s agenda. Gabriel tensed, uncertain what she was asking for. He was fairly sure they didn’t have a set meeting on the calendar.

Aziraphale had come into the room to take notes (a needless task that Gabe thought made him look more important) and was currently picking nonexistent lint from his jacket sleeve.

“Zira,” Gabriel said gruffly. “Did you misfile today’s agenda?”

The Principality cleared his throat. “You mean the one you placed in the special filing cabinet?” he asked sweetly.

Gabriel didn’t catch the reference. “The what?” he asked. “Seriously, Aziraphale. Where is it? Isn’t that your job? You think maybe we could be a little bit more efficient here?”

The blonde blushed furiously. “I believe the special filing cabinet would be the bin where you threw the fax not an hour ago,” he challenged.

Gabriel paled and Bee sucked in her lower lip disapprovingly. “That was a joke,” Gabe tried to cover. “Heh.”

“Gabriel, this is serious,” Beelzebub maintained. “We’re about to shift some major responsibilities in this branch. There’s been talk of downsizing.”

Aziraphale sucked in a breath while Gabriel coughed furiously. “Downsizing?” the Archangel sputtered. “Out of the question! I need each and every angel on my team! Not even one is dispensable.”

Bee let out a long-suffering sigh and continued. “It is what it is. Indulgences aren’t holding the market the way they used to. Tough decisions need to be made. I’ll leave you to think about it.”

Gabriel watched her go despondently. “Crackers,” he said gravely. Aziraphale knew this was one of the worst things his boss could utter. They were doomed.

-

The day marched on and gossip about the department’s fate spread quickly. The office was abuzz with rumors about who would stay or go, and a betting pool commenced to determine the outcome behind holy water coolers and sacramental bread vending machines.

Aziraphale was easily distracted by the phones as well as visitors to the office. A young man who called himself Adam was one of them.

“I’m from the temp agency?” he explained and asked at the same time.

Gabriel came out to meet him and show him around the office. “Adam!” he exclaimed. “A human in our midst! Heaven does have the oddest ideas about filling gaps in our angelic labor force. And what a name! The first man, if I recall.”

Adam nodded with a weary smile on his face. “Never heard that before,” he muttered.

Gabriel laughed, not catching the sarcasm. While he showed the temp to his desk the camera crew pulled Aziraphale into the conference room for an aside.

“Yes,” the Principality said quietly. “It is strange how I ended up here. Initially I was set on the eastern Gate of Eden but...we all know how that turned out. I guess the demotion wasn’t the worst thing. I’ve had a lot of time to catch up on my reading, even thought about opening a bookshop...on Earth of course. I’ve staked out a few sites and even put together a business plan.” The blonde drummed his fingers on the table uncertainly. “Crowley thinks it’s a good idea.”

The camera crew picked up again near Crowley’s work station. He was in the middle of a phone call when Hastur started to slowly push his phone to the edge of the desk. It clattered to the floor and Crowley threw his arms up in the air when it disconnected.

“What is it with you and phones?” the redhead demanded.

“They’re off-putting,” Hastur replied. “Why can’t you do remote annunciations like a decent angel? And your answerphone. It blinks all day! It gives me the creeps.”

In revenge Crowley scooped up his phone and started to pick up and drop the receiver repeatedly. The cacophony set Hastur’s jaw to work. “ I don’t even care if they let me go!” Crowley hissed. “I’d rather be downsized than deal with you all day!”

Hastur jerked to attention. “Downsized?” he squeaked.

Gabriel interrupted with a clap of his hands. “Alright everyone into the conference room!” he bellowed. He stood to the side and waited for everyone to lumber in. It usually took a few minutes.

“This is one of my favorite parts about being the boss,” Gabriel confided to Neil. “People around here really look up to me. I provide moral support.”

Neil grimaced behind the camera.

“It’s good to have heroes,” Gabriel continued. “For me it’s Julie Andrews. Definitely number one. Ann Coulter...Tom Cruise. I guess God would be the fourth one.”

“Should we um…” Neil pointed toward the conference room.

“Oh yeah, I mean, yes. This way,” Gabriel strutted inside followed by the cameras. He stood in front of the room while his employees bickered with one another.

“You’ll definitely be the first to go,” Michael from accounting was berading her junior colleague Newt. The young man looks terrified at the prospect. He was another human recruit. An intern turned full-time worker. He never worked with computers, oddly enough, but his figures were always impeccable.

“Now, now,” Gabriel said, waving his hands in the air. “I know there’s a lot of hearsay going around but no need to fear. I’m not going to let Beelzebub come in here and start gutting my staff left and right. Trust me! She’ll have to go around me first.”

The room erupted into disbelieving protests while Crowley leaned closer to Aziraphale in the back.

“What would I even do with all the useless knowledge I’ve gained from this job if I was let go?” he groused quietly. “The exchange rate of charitable contributions? The number of plenary indulgences allowed per individual each day? Your favorite flavor of crepe?”

Aziraphale giggled at the last one. “There’s no way you know that,” he whispered conspiratorially.

Crowley stared at him knowingly. “Mixed berry.”

Aziraphale let out a gasp. “Oh...you’re onto me.”

They gave each other little smiles before turning their attention back toward the fracas. Gabriel had given up trying to rally the troops and instead was in the middle of making excuses as to why the meeting needed to end suddenly. He dismissed everyone before they could argue with him.

The cameras followed Crowley back to his work space where Hastur was just about to sit down. Immediately his seat collapsed and he ended up on the floor where the disconnected wheels from his chair were stacked in a pile.

Aziraphale let out a delighted squeak from his desk across the way, and Crowley flashed him a winning smile.

“What the Heaven!” Hastur cursed. “Crowley you’re dead!”

“Sorry,” Crowley replied stoically. “It’s just that you so enjoy dumping things on the floor. Thought you’d like to join in.”

“I’m telling Gabriel you flash bastard!” Hastur threatened before stomping off to the boss’ office. Crowley rolled his eyes summarily and sauntered over to Aziraphale.

“That was wicked,” the Principality condemned, but there was a sparkle in his eye.

“Thanks,” Crowley replied. “Say, I was going to ask if you had plans after work? Closing time’s in another twenty minutes or so. Me and Newt and a few others were going to grab some drinks on Earth.”

Aziraphale blushed. “That might be fun,” he hedged.

Crowley leaned over the desk until their faces were mere inches away. “Good,” he said, “Because we have a plan to haze the new kid Adam. First we’ll get to the bar and set up a -”

Crowley was cut off by the front door opening. Lucifer sidled in with a disinterested look on his face until he spotted the redhead chatting up the Principality.

“Hey,” he said suspiciously.

Crowley backed up immediately. “Oh hey Luce,” he replied nonchalantly. “Guess I’ll um..” He looked at Aziraphale meaningfully before trudging back to his desk. From where he sat, he could hear their conversation. The blonde was speaking eagerly to Lucifer about joining up with his colleagues after work, but the black-haired man shut it down immediately.

“No way,” he sniffed. “I’m way too tired. Plus we have that thing tonight.”

Aziraphale looked confused but shrugged his shoulders in defeat. “Yeah...okay, sure.”

Lucifer said he’d meet him at home and left.

The cameramen took Aziraphale back to the meeting room to ask about Lucifer. “Oh! Lucifer,” he cleared his throat. “He’s my fiance. We’ve been engaged for about um...three centuries now? He works in the warehouse.” The blonde pointed his finger down and gave a knowing look at the camera.

“Wait,” Neil interjected. “You don’t mean...is he a demon?”

“Um,” Aziraphale couched. “I guess technically he’s the Lord of the Dark Realm. The first sinner. Some call him Satan? But he’s really great if you give him a chance. Yep, we’re just as happy as can be.” Aziraphale glanced through the blinds that divided the meeting room from the rest of the office. He watched Crowley for several beats. “Really happy,” he repeated.

Neil caught up with Gabriel who was debriefing Adam after his first day.

“I hope you’ve gotten a good indication of how we operate around here,” the Archangel was saying. The two were seated in his office with the door closed.

Adam sunk in his chair. “Suuure,” he allowed.

“We try to keep it fun,” Gabriel continued. “Keep ‘em laughing! That’s what I always say. It’s a good time on the seventh floor.” He raised his ‘Heaven’s Best Boss’ mug to emphasize his point.

Aziraphale knocked on the door and in that moment a maniacal look passed over Gabriel’s face and he elbowed Adam in the arm. “Wait,” Gabe whispered. “Oh this is going to be good.”

He beckoned Aziraphale inside and asked him to sit. “Good timing,” Gabriel announced.

Aziraphale handed him a few faxes and wiggled uncomfortably in his chair. “Was there something else you needed?”

“Yes, actually,” Gabriel jeered. “I’m afraid that the first corporate cuts have come down. You’re on the list, Azzy.”

The Principality started. “What?” he asked in a quiet voice. “Really?”

Adam shifted in his seat and crossed his legs, looking horrified.

Gabriel leaned forward. “I’m afraid so. It appears that the whole ‘sword’ incident has been called into question again. You’re sure you don’t remember where you put it?”

Aziraphale trembled. “Uh, I...no I certainly can’t recall. I just...that was ages ago. And now I’m getting fired for it? After all this time?” Tears sprung from his eyes and he settled his gaze on the floor. “Oh I am a bad angel,” he despaired.

Adam cleared his throat. “Can we uh...maybe not do this anymore?”

Gabriel hushed him. “Please go clear out your desk,” he followed up, a grin cracking across his face.

Aziraphale stood on shaking legs and made for the door. He’d just reached the handle when Gabriel broke.

“Oh, come on, I’m not serious,” the Archangel laughed.

Aziraphale whirled around, tears streaming down his cheeks. “What?” he demanded.

“It’s a joke!” Gabriel crowed. “Lighten up, Azzy! You’re not fired.”

The Principality turned bright red and stomped his foot angrily. “You’re a jerk!” he let out before covering his mouth in shock and storming out the door.

Adam sat in shocked silence next to Gabriel, who grimaced at the camera. “Keep ‘em laughing,” he said weakly.

Crowley was grabbing his coat from the rack when Aziraphale rushed by holding his hands over his face.

“Hey,” the redhead called after him. “Aziraphale?”

He followed the blonde out the front door and into the escalator room (the heavenly equivalent of a parking lot). Dried tears had left streaks down the Principality’s cheeks.

“What happened?” Crowley asked desperately.

Aziraphale huffed and shook his head. “Nothing. Just a stupid prank. I hate Gabriel so much.”

Crowley was taken aback. Angels weren’t supposed to use the “H” word, let alone express disrespect for their superiors. He recovered quickly. “Yeah,” the redhead agreed. “Me too.”

Aziraphale looked up at him with a thankful expression. “I blasphemed,” he said quietly. “You could report me.”

Crowley reached out and took the blonde’s hand and squeezed. “I’d never,” he promised. “You know that.”

Aziraphale nodded. “Sometimes I dream about leaving this place. Voluntarily or no.”

“Start your bookshop?” Crowley smiled approvingly.

Aziraphale smiled back at him. It was so easy with Crowley.

“You sure you won’t reconsider? Join us for drinks after all?” Crowley asked. His eyes were brimming with hope.

Aziraphale swayed a little. “Well, I know Luce wouldn’t approve but...why not? Yeah! Let’s go.” The Principality made toward the Earthbound escalator while Crowley lingered behind for a second. Neil was standing behind him.

“Crowley, could you give us a quick summary of the day?” Neil asked. “Just a brief description to end our footage?”

The redhead turned his body toward the film crew but his eyes remained on Aziraphale. His face was beaming, a barely contained grin spreading over his face. “Today?” he asked. “Umm...yeah. Today was...not a bad day.”

He looked back at Neil again. “I better go,” he said bashfully, backing up a few steps. He practically sprinted toward Aziraphale until he caught up. The last shot showed the two of them shrinking out of view, standing so close they might as well have been one person rather than two.


End file.
